I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without being in a relationship. It’s a scary feeling when you’re a 36 year old woman with an unstable career choice who desires stability and a family. I’m constantly breathing in the unknown and breathing out my attraction to men who don’t file their taxes.
I used to fall in love so easily. If you looked at me, let alone remembered my name, I was in love with you. What else was there to do in life other than fall in love? My sexual liberation soon evolved into sexual desperation. A break was much needed. But now since I’ve been so far removed from intimacy and all it’s baggage, I can’t seem to dive back in the dating pool. Diving takes coordination. I need to be pushed, thrown, basically, heaved into the cesspool known as online dating. Yet here I am, longing for love and loyalty but with the unwillingness to do anything about it.
I went to a party the other day, and I was literally the only woman there without a baby. They were my age or a few years older and appeared to have everything worked out in their lives. Stylish husband with facial hair? Check. A cute baby or two? Check. So engrossed in their toddler’s existence that they can’t talk about anything else? Check. It left me feeling like a barren/wrinkled/hopeless/unfuckable fuck-up. Sad and all alone? That’s a check for me!
Sad and alone are not unknown feelings. We’ve grown up together. They are my true besties. We’ve known each other since before I could even speak the words: “fuck you, world” or…. “bottle.” I’m sure some of these women have felt sad and alone, too, even amidst changing poopy diapers and belittling their partners. And that’s the thing, once we do have deeper conversations, I realized there are a lot of similarities between us. Babies and spouses do not get rid of the hurt and pain from life. Sometimes, they add to it. In fact, they undoubtedly add to it.
I’ve always had a type. I just have never dated my type. I’ve been too afraid. Too insecure. Too wounded. But that’s not me anymore. I see myself so differently now because…well, I am so different. So maybe it’s time to hang out by the pool. I’m probably more of a belly flopper now.