Sooooo….I’m freezing my eggs in a couple of weeks. That’s right. I’m being injected with a f*ck ton of estrogen and will hopefully release a lot of little eggs, and then place them in a mysterious freezer until further notice. Ahhhh…just how I imagined things would go when I was a 22 year old planning out my life.
I have a lot of emotions about this and maybe even more so due to the hormones. A part of me feels like I failed at the whole being a woman thing. I should be married and already have had two kids by now. So by being a 35 year old woman who is single and childless, the conclusion must be that I’m obviously ugly and deeply unlovable. Yep, my worst fears and insecurities are confirmed. My therapist was wrong. I want my money back. Fuck everyone. Fuck the world, too.
Another part of me feels proud that I’m freezing my eggs. First of all, I can afford it. I am making a pretty decent living from acting, and that in itself is an accomplishment. (Although I still feel inadequate, and that I’ll never work again. So spending $15,000 to freeze my eggs is a huge deal. Yikes. Does anyone want an extra kidney? I think I need to sell one now).
The thing is, I know I want to be a mother. As much as I want anything, really. But... I’m... um... like... not... ready. I’m still discovering who I am. In fact, I feel like I just started. My life changed when I turned 32, the age my mother was when she got murdered. ( I was only a baby when this happened). I began to grieve for her for the first time. I started to ask questions and learn about who she was. (We never talked about her growing up). By opening this wound, I was split open. Out of my denial and silence, birthed this transformation. I’ve been reinventing myself. This blog is a huge part of that. There’s a terrible beauty that I’m following or perhaps this terrible beauty chose me. Either way, I don’t want to let go, and it’s not letting go of me.
Now that I'm freezing my eggs, does that mean that I don't trust the universe? Because I still want to meet someone, get married, and get pregnant the au naturel way. I don't want to give into my fears. But at the same time, it does feel nice to take a deep breath, know that everything will be okay, and feel good that I’m continuing to take actions to open up my future.